Day 75 "Hypomania All Day Today"

Today has been a hypomanic day for me.  Due to my Mom being pretty much helpless I haven’t been sleeping very well.  I have been sleeping with an eye and ear open in case something bad would happen.  I’ve noticed that the decrease in sleep is causing me to be a little manic.  There just doesn’t seem to be enough time in the day to get everything done.  Today I mowed the grass, cleaned two bathrooms, cleaned the kitchen, swept the floors, and did two loads of laundry.  That was all for my Mom and I have yet to do my laundry.  Thank goodness I can do all mine in one load.  Anyway, I have been  hypomanic today and I would say that lack of sleep is the reason for it.  On average I sleep ten hours a night and when I get below the eight hour mark I tend to become hypomanic or have a mixed state.

Had I not had to do all those things for my Mom today the hypomania might have not been so good.  When I’m hypomanic I need to do something which results in some sort of release.  If I have a plan to do a bunch of activities, yes I may be hypomanic but I get a bunch of things done or get to do a bunch of activities.  The release for me is that I feel great that I got so much accomplished.

Had I nothing to do today and only slept six hours that would be a red flag for me that I may be in for some hypersexual behavior.  Before I was medicated I would most likely look at porn on the computer and place personals on Craigslist looking for sex.  This activity would take place whenever I had less sleep.  I would spend hours placing ads and waiting for replies.  There were times when I would look for sex up to ten hours.  The release for me was when I would meet someone.  However, a lot of times I would spend all night looking and come up with nothing which would make me very angry.

There are a lot of times when I've have mixed states.  I tend to be down on myself, depressed, have no hope for my future, isolate myself, and feel a lot of anger.  With that said I can be hypomanic, hypersexual, and depressed all at the same time which makes it ten times worse when I can’t get that release I need.  I end up getting a little psychotic sometimes.

Since starting Lithium 900mg per day the severe mania I was having pretty much stopped.  I have had a few instances of being hypersexual since starting Lithium but I have been able to stay away from Internet porn and haven’t wanted to place ads looking for sex.  However, on Lithium alone I became deeply depressed.  I was then prescribed with Seroquel 300mg XR and that started helping me feel less depressed.  After about a month my dose was raised to 2 300mg XR tablets and its making me feel even less depressed. 

In therapy we have been talking about what triggers certain behaviors I do.  For the most part I can tell you what the main triggers are that cause me to do certain things but I want to dig a little and find those secondary triggers.  Mania in its minor forms includes heightened feelings of well-being, increased alertness, drive, inflated self-esteem, and extensive sociability.  In addition to a general elevation of mood, instability is typical.  Irritability may easily be evoked and other mood states such as anxiety or sadness, fleetingly but intensely expressed, may become apparent.  In mixed states pronounced symptoms of both depression and mania either coexist or alternate during different periods of the day.  As mania deepens over activity and over talkativeness become more obvious.

Day 74 "Stable Day, Back On Diet"

Today has been an over all pretty good day.  I wasn't happy nor was I very sad.  I have followed my diet for three days in a row and that has made me feel a little bit better about myself.  I had started losing weight in February and up to being diagnosed bipolar 1 in May I had lost 33 pounds.  I have always been heavy and losing this weight was and is a big deal for me.

After I was diagnosed as bipolar 1 and started taking medications my weight began to fluctuate which caused me a lot of concern.  I was so upset that I might gain all the weight back that I almost didn't go through with my treatment.  I've always wanted to be skinnier and I was finally on my way there and then bipolar happened.  Well, if I don't follow a treatment plan my life is over.  I definitely won't be able to hold a job and I'll never be able to get approved for SSDI.  So the only choice for me is to learn how to deal with it.

My diet isn't perfect but it's better than no diet at all.  I don't drink any kind of soft drinks and drink about a gallon of water a day.  This is good for weight loss plus it helps keep my body from becoming dehydrated which could cause Lithium toxicity.  I'm not a big fan of vegetables so I drink a can of low sodium V8 juice every day which counts for two servings of vegetables.  I also have tried  both low sodium corn and kidney beans from a can and like them as well.  I also eat a lot chicken, turkey, and tuna fish.  Once in a while I'll buy red meat but I make sure it's very lean. 

I may never be skinny and I may never be cured of my bipolar but I'm going to do whatever I can to control both.  If I don't control them I'm setting myself up for failure.

Day 73 "Communicating in a depressive state....NOT ALWAYS GOOD"

Today, I have felt depressed all day and all I wanted to do was sleep.  Being in a depressive state is horrible.  I sometimes have thoughts about death.  I have very low self esteem.  I have no hope for my future.  I 'm always really tired and can sleep for 15 to 20 hours at a time.  I also don't enjoy doing the activities I once enjoyed.  When I'm in a depressive state anger and irritability sometimes guide my thoughts.  However, the most challenging part of being in a depressive state is trying to communicate with my family, getting them to understand my needs, and the barriers I face.

I try not to communicate with my family when I'm in a depressive state because my family doesn't believe that I'm bipolar.  It's easier if I just keep it to myself.  My mother was told when I was five by a psychologist, I saw regularly, that something was wrong and she told him he was wrong and wouldn't hear it.  She acts like that today when I talk about being bipolar and doesn't want to hear it.  Sometimes she acts like I'm not in the room and walks away.  So since I live with her and am around her a lot I have to try and not talk about it especially when in a depressive state because I get really angry and end up saying lots of hurtful things which I end up feeling guilty about later.

In terms of trying to get my family to understand my needs when I'm depressed is pretty much pointless.  I can't get them to understand my needs when I'm doing good so why would I waste what little energy I have in a depressive state on trying to get them to understand my needs.  I have tried to explain on many occasions what I need to do to remain in control of my life and it always meets deaf ears.  Since I was diagnosed as bipolar 1 I have put myself on a daily schedule which helps to keep me even and my Mom and sister are always changing things up on me even though I've explained to them how it throws me off.  You would think that they would start to believe me and show a little understanding.  I guess they like all the angry hurtful things I say and do.

The barriers I face are being unemployed, having no medical insurance, and a family that refuses to see what I'm going through.  As long as I don't bring it up we can get along but as soon as the word bipolar comes out of my mouth everything goes down hill.  It hurts but I don't really care anymore what my family thinks.  The only thing that matters to me right now is getting stabilized on my medications and learning to control this illness and not let it control me.  Maybe then my family will see that everything I'm doing is for my own good.

Day 72 "Trying To Regain Some Normalcy"

If you've been following along you know that the last few days have been pretty horrible for my family as well as myself.  I've done a good job of being there for everyone but when I'm alone I've binged, purged, had thoughts of death, all at the same time which is a mixed state.  Yesterday I started on a higher dose of Seroquel which is supposed to help me sleep better, relax, and mostly work to reduce reduce my depression.  Well, today has been a little better for me.  I'm still depressed about myself and everything that happened this weekend but I seem to be in more control today which makes me feel more content.

I'm having to pick up a lot of the slack at home since my Mom is no position to do anything besides sit in a chair which is challenging but I'm managing.  I've had to make myself a daily schedule so that I don't forget to do something or do the wrong thing.  Tonight I had to do the grocery shopping and if I wouldn't have made a list it would have taken me six hours and I would have bought all the wrong things.  However, it went pretty smooth and I remained in a pretty good mood.  Tomorrow I have to get softener salt for my Mom's water softener and I have to take her to see her doctor in the afternoon.  As long as I keep myself  a schedule I think everything will work out fine. 

Tomorrow, I'm going to try and work in the yard after we get back from Mom's doctor appointment.  I need to mow and there are a ton of weeds that need to be pulled.  I think the yard work will do me good and help me to get my mind back on a positive track.  I also will be eating better following my diet on SparkPeople.  I didn't buy any junk food at the grocery store tonight and have no money to go and buy any so diet it is.  Once I get my diet back on track I 'm going to start getting in the habit of exercising.  I like to bike but I've thought about walking and maybe even running.  Hmmm, maybe a combination of the three would help me stick to exercising better.   I just know that I would prefer not to be on blood pressure medication and diet and exercise is the way to accomplish that.

Day 71 "Seroquel Adjustment Today"

So, as of tonight, I'm up to 600mg Seroquel xr.  I went to see my nurse practitioner/pdoc and she upped my dose because I was having mixed states the last few days.  I was binging and purging which I do when I’m manic and I was really depressed and not caring about anything all at the same time.  She left my Lithium at 900mg a day and Klonopin at 3mg per day as well.  I really like how the Klonopin takes away some of the anxiety I have but I did tell my nurse practitioner I wish I could have had something a little stronger this past weekend after getting news that My Mom, sister, and her entire family were in a horrible car crash in an intersection where many have been killed before.

Even though I wasn’t in the car accident I can’t shake the racing thoughts I’ve been having about the accident and what my Mom looked like when I first saw her in the hospital after the accident.  All I can think about is that I could have lost her.  It’s hard enough looking at your parents some days and watching the aging process but when you see your only parent laying on a back board, in a neck brace, with bruises all over them and not knowing what all is wrong, it can be very traumatic.

Anyway, I feel very conflicted about taking all these medications.  When I look down at the pills I think “god this is strong, mind-altering stuff” and I just want to stop taking all of it.  At other times I think “wow this stuff is miraculous and is helping to stabilize my bipolar so much”.  I guess I should be grateful that I live in a time where there is choices in treating bipolar.  Fifty years ago I probably would have ended up in a mental ward somewhere.  I actually had a cousin who in the 1940’s was placed in the county home due to mental illness.  Maybe he was bipolar.  

Today my mood has been very down.  I’ve thought a lot about death and dying.  All I’ve wanted to do is sleep all day and have had no hope for my future at all.  I also binged and purged this evening for the second time in less than a week.  I realize that most of this behavior has to do with everything that’s happened with my family so I’m not going to just say that my treatment isn’t working.  What I am going to conclude is that I’ve had a bad weekend, life happens, and hope the new amount of Seroquel helps.

Day 70 "Took Steps Backwards Today"

Today I feel like I'm back at day 14 when all I wanted to do was stay in bed and cry.  Today my mood has been horrible, I've had a thoughts about death, I've binged and purged, and I just want to be alone.  I have felt like a total failure all day and today bipolar has won.  Today I felt defeated in everything I attempted and the more I felt defeated the more I became both manic and depressed.

Tonight I looked at Internet porn and even could have had a hookup had I wanted one.  I became more hypersexual as the depression set in.  I think the porn and anonymous sex gives me this quick rush of adrenalin  that tramps on the depression and makes it go away for a few minutes.  It's the same thing when I binge and purge.  For those ten or so minutes when I'm binging I feel in control because I know that I'm working up to that release which is a quick rush of adrenalin.

I have coping mechanisms that I have in place for when things happen like this but today nothing worked.  There were too many variables that played against me.  My car needs fixed, I broke my $800 Nikon camera, my Mom and sister's car accident, and me having to take blood pressure medications.  It's just been a really bad weekend and all I can do is promise myself that I'll try and make tomorrow better. 

Day 69 "Today Was Horrible For My Family"

This blog is about me and my day to day  struggles with bipolar disorder.  Today my mood went from being almost stable down to being really depressed back up to almost stable again in a matter of hours.  This happened because I got a call from my cousin today that my little sister, her immediate family, and my Mom were broad sided on the passenger side by a woman who ran a red light at a dangerous intersection.  Nobody saw it coming and my sister's vehicle flipped two or three times after impact.  Everyone was taken to the Emergency Room by ambulance and my Mom and sister both had the most damage.  My sister has broken ribs and my Mom has a fractured pelvis and is very sore.  The doctor said it will be around six to eight weeks before either one of them will be back to normal. 

I did a really good job of holding myself together but am now sitting here balling.  There had to be a guardian angel in that vehicle with them today looking out for them.  Just four months ago a young man was killed at the same intersection because of someone running a red light.  I'm just glad that everyone is ok.  My family could have all suffered the same fate.  I just know that something or someone was looking out for them today and all I can say is Thank you!

My father passed away over three years ago and since he's been gone I worry horribly about my Mom.  I feel this sense of responsibility and the scene that happened today has played out countless times in my head.  The only difference is that in my head everyone dies.  I have told this to a few people and they've all told me that I need to stop trying to carry the burden for everyone else and live my own life.  This makes it even tuffer because I keep saying to myself "what if I would have beeen driving her", "what if she would have just stayed home."  All these scenarios keep going through my head but I just need to let them go and realize that GOD has a plan for each and every one of us.

Well, I'm going to sign off here and try to sleep a little.  I didn't take my Seroquel  till just about an hour ago and I hope I can fall asleep.  I'm going to have to be awake tomorrow to help my Mom when she needs it.  The poor thing is so bruised up and has a hard time getting comfortable.  They did give her some pain medication that knocked her out.  I'm thankful for that!