Day 48 "Today Was All Over The Place"

I went to bed crying and felt worthless.  I kind of felt like what’s the point in living.  I wasn’t going to kill myself but there have been a lot of times the past month that I’ve had those thoughts.  I went to bed at 4 am and cried myself to sleep.  I really wanted to be near my Dad.  He had a knack for accepting whatever I put in front of him good or bad.  His death taught me how to be a better person and really try to do the best you can do. 

Well, I woke up at about 11 this morning made something to eat and then went outside to weed the yard.  I was ok but I moved very slowly, was irritable, very tired, and I hurt all over.  I laid down for a nap around 3 and got up at 6.  After dinner I helped again in the yard and this time I wanted to get things done and did a lot.  I was very sore, irritable, and having a hard time concentrating.  Along with that I was thinking a lot about sex and really was hypersexual.   I didn’t place any ads but I did look through the personals on Craigslist for like two hours ready to go if I could find someone. It’s 1130 and I’m going to get off here and head to bed.  That’s probably the best place for me.

Day 47 "Another Day Of Depression Is With Me"

Today was better towards the end of the day. I had decreased appetite. Nothing major to report. I felt like I did sleep the day away today. I did manage to get up and take pills when I needed to but other than that I enjoyed being in my bed. My sister and brother in law are coming over tomorrow to do yard work and I’m a little pissed off about it. I know I haven’t been able to keep up with things but instead of asking or consulting me about any of it my Mom and sister come up with a plan. My brother in law can’t stand me and I just have this problem with him coming into my yard and messing around with anything. I don’t know why I feel like this but I do. 

I have nothing and this is the only territory I can claim as part mine and I feel like he’s invading my space. When my Dad was still living this would have never happened. He may not have liked what I did or didn’t do but he would have never let my brother in law step in EVER. My Mom doesn’t understand and I don’t understand how to convey to her how I feel. I’m just so over everything and told my Mom that I can’t wait till I can get some money together and get my own place where I can make the rules. 

I feel like my life is a complete failure in general. I can’t work a regular job and have to take pills which make me feel lifeless and now an activity that I’m trying to do because I once enjoyed it is getting to the hands of my brother in law. I don’t know why but tonight has been a not so good night. I feel agitated, angry, depressed, very slow, and crying a lot. Please God, help me to over come this.

Day 46 "Depression Lightened Up In Evening"

Again like yesterday, today was better towards the end of the day.  I had decreased appetite.  Nothing major to report.  I did sleep a lot today and I could have slept the day away.  I only slept fifteen hours today compared to nineteen yesterday.

Day 45 "More Depression"

Today was a down day all day.  I had a decreased appetite.  I had a lot of negative thoughts about everything in my life and I had a lot of thoughts about death.  I did sleep a lot today and I could have slept the entire day away.  I did sleep about nineteen hours today and never did see the light of day. I just feel so tired and out of it.  I want everybody to just leave me be.

Day 44 "Another Rotten Day Of Depression"

I got up around noon today which is a little earlier than I have been.  I wanted to go outside but I just couldn’t bring myself to do it.  I’m not suicidal but I sure am feeling stressed like nothing is ever going to get better.  I just wish I had one person on my side that could understand what I’m dealing with.  Everybody is ok with me off medication and loves to get mad when my moods hit the extreme of both depression and mania but once I’m meds it’s like nobody gets it which drives me in sane. 

I feel so alone and would just like someone to come to my aid, give me a hug, and tell me everything is going to be ok.  I’ve never had anything like that in my adult life and it would be really nice. 

I’ve noticed that my hair is really getting grey and I figure it’s because of all the stress.  I tried to think about getting my car fixed today and that made me just want to go back to bed which I did do by the way.  Its midnight and I’ve only been out of bed about 8 hours today.  I know the medicine is helping me to become more stable but I just feel like I have a long road ahead of me.  I’ve been sitting here crying for half an hour and can’t stop.  I just wasn’t to feel normal whatever that may be for me.

Day 43 "Today I'm Just Plain Depressed"

Well other than getting up to take pills at 8am and 2pm I slept until 640pm which is about 17.5 hours.  I’m exactly in the same place I was yesterday but am much more irritable today than yesterday. 

I’ve been thinking that I need to start eating better and that exercising but I can’t even get motivated to get out of bed.  I thought about my car tonight too and how nice it would be if I could get it fixed.  I’m just at the mercy of everyone. 

EVEN IF I could get and hold a job I would have no way to get there.  I’m just depressed about everything.  I plan on being in bed in the next hour or so.  That’s the only place I seem to get any comfort.

Day 42 "Mixed State Today"

I got up at around noon today and  had slept for about nine hours.  I went with my cousin to her parent’s house and we went for a ride that was nice.  It was nice to get out of the house.  I was very groggy up until about 6pm and then I felt a little more alert.  Even though I felt a little more alert I still was depressed and had no hope for my future. 

I’m trying so hard to be positive but I feel like my time has passed quite a bit.  I feel like I’m going to have no place to live, nothing to drive, and no money to take care myself.  I so much want to feel different but I just can’t.  It’s now about 1am and I’m going to bed.