Day 45 "More Depression"

Today was a down day all day.  I had a decreased appetite.  I had a lot of negative thoughts about everything in my life and I had a lot of thoughts about death.  I did sleep a lot today and I could have slept the entire day away.  I did sleep about nineteen hours today and never did see the light of day. I just feel so tired and out of it.  I want everybody to just leave me be.

Day 44 "Another Rotten Day Of Depression"

I got up around noon today which is a little earlier than I have been.  I wanted to go outside but I just couldn’t bring myself to do it.  I’m not suicidal but I sure am feeling stressed like nothing is ever going to get better.  I just wish I had one person on my side that could understand what I’m dealing with.  Everybody is ok with me off medication and loves to get mad when my moods hit the extreme of both depression and mania but once I’m meds it’s like nobody gets it which drives me in sane. 

I feel so alone and would just like someone to come to my aid, give me a hug, and tell me everything is going to be ok.  I’ve never had anything like that in my adult life and it would be really nice. 

I’ve noticed that my hair is really getting grey and I figure it’s because of all the stress.  I tried to think about getting my car fixed today and that made me just want to go back to bed which I did do by the way.  Its midnight and I’ve only been out of bed about 8 hours today.  I know the medicine is helping me to become more stable but I just feel like I have a long road ahead of me.  I’ve been sitting here crying for half an hour and can’t stop.  I just wasn’t to feel normal whatever that may be for me.

Day 43 "Today I'm Just Plain Depressed"

Well other than getting up to take pills at 8am and 2pm I slept until 640pm which is about 17.5 hours.  I’m exactly in the same place I was yesterday but am much more irritable today than yesterday. 

I’ve been thinking that I need to start eating better and that exercising but I can’t even get motivated to get out of bed.  I thought about my car tonight too and how nice it would be if I could get it fixed.  I’m just at the mercy of everyone. 

EVEN IF I could get and hold a job I would have no way to get there.  I’m just depressed about everything.  I plan on being in bed in the next hour or so.  That’s the only place I seem to get any comfort.

Day 42 "Mixed State Today"

I got up at around noon today and  had slept for about nine hours.  I went with my cousin to her parent’s house and we went for a ride that was nice.  It was nice to get out of the house.  I was very groggy up until about 6pm and then I felt a little more alert.  Even though I felt a little more alert I still was depressed and had no hope for my future. 

I’m trying so hard to be positive but I feel like my time has passed quite a bit.  I feel like I’m going to have no place to live, nothing to drive, and no money to take care myself.  I so much want to feel different but I just can’t.  It’s now about 1am and I’m going to bed.

Day 41 "Another Day Of Anger"

I woke up at 215pm today after finally falling asleep around 5am.  I was really groggy when I woke up and was angry because I had to go to my sisters and I had no motivation.  Those thoughts continued through the afternoon along with me snapping at my sister and brother in law a few times. 

People just drive me nuts and I would rather just be by myself.  Is there anything wrong with that?  A few people asked me how I was today and I don’t feel like I can be honest because the first time I say Bipolar Disorder there going to want to change the subject or tell me that I’m wrong.  So I just told them my thyroid was off and left the whole bipolar thing alone.  I’m just glad I’m back at home now.

Day 40 "Today Was An Angry Hypomanic Kind Of Day"

I had a hard time falling asleep but once I did I slept for twelve hours only getting up to get my pills with the alarm I had set and going to the bathroom.  It was sometime after 5 in the afternoon when I was able to get up.  There was nobody home when I got up which was good because I was really angry and frustrated and wanted to unload bad on anybody.  I have been taking the Klonopin as directed and I still feel like a loose cannon a lot.  Everything gives me anxiety and I don’t understand why????  Anyway, I was able to get my night pills all taken and my Mom called for me to come and get her from my sister's house and then my cousin called wanting me to drop off two peppers she had left here on the fourth.  So I took my cousin her peppers and then drove to pick up my Mom.  I got back here about 10pm and again messed around on the computer till almost 5 this morning. 

Day 39 "Bad Day Gets Better"

Well, I had a horrible night of sleep and didn’t fall asleep till 7am this morning and ended up only sleeping about 5.5 hours.  I did take my pills a little earlier so that if I fell asleep I wouldn’t have to wake up at 8 am.  Anyway I started out when I woke up a little irritable, angry, and groggy. 

However, I started to feel better in the afternoon.  I wasn’t the life of the party but I was able to get along ok.  I have had a large appetite today and ate a lot of dessert and had a cup of coffee.  I also think I forgot to take my pm Lithium and since I can’t remember I’m just going to resume it in the morning.